Ups.....and downs

My spirits have been a bit low lately...like there's a little cloud
following me around. I keep swooshing it away with my hands.
Yoga always made me feel a bit emotional, feeling helpless in my
limited range of movement, frustrated that I could not stretch the way I
would want to. But it was during the fourth class, of 5 that I have taken
in the past 13 days, that I felt a breakthrough. Something just felt
right, there was a fluidity of motion that made absolute sense. From that
point on, it has been enjoyment. It soothes me to think that these are
ancient sequences of movement, that I have years to perfect the sun
salutation and it won't suddenly be phased out for the next big thing in
exercise.

In complete contrast to the previous workshop I went to, I leave the
one I just did with georgina graham, full up with my future. I am smiling
one of those smiles that comes from way down inside your belly and you
can feel at the top of your head. She was so inspiring, I mean, this is
a woman, a young woman who has vogue spread after vogue spread in her
portfolio. She tells of a test shoot she did in her bathroom with
isabella blow and Alexander Mcqueen. And I'm not talking Alexander Mcqueen
clothes, I'm talking Alexander Mcqueen physically in her bathroom. And of
doing Sophia Lauren for Armani. Yet she is so understated and laid
back, so encouraging and not in the least bit preachy. I thought, that's
it. That's what I want to be. At the top of my game, but still truly
myself.
She looked me in the eye at the end and she told me how she thought I
did I fantastic job and that I have a great future ahead of me. And I
believe her.

My eyes have gone that buttery brown they go when I'm tired, or high or
if I've cried loads. My pupils are pinpricks. So I had the breakdown
that perhaps I needed. Encased in my car I sobbed and literally screamed
at lifes injustices.shouted until I felt sick. I self-indulged my
misery for some moments of bittersweet relief. It was nighttime, so I had no
witnesses, did not need any, just needed to be loud and visceral with
my trapped pain once and for all.
I am exhausted, the force with which I was thrashing, has left me.
Its been a bitch of a day.