Present Perfect

the magic's all around you

2008-06-03T21:29:00.004+01:00

I am a fast walker. I weave in and out of people, holding my breath through the cigarette smoke (I dream of a smoke-free world, how I dream...) silently cursing backs of the slow walkers, the lingerers and the lost. And when I get to my location, I wonder why my skin is tingly with warmth, my internal air-con system, activated.
And today, I wondered, for the very first time, if its ME that's walking too quickly, rather than THEM, too slow. Even days when I'm not on any schedule, I create one anyway, a time to be here, a time to be back, but for what purpose?
Maybe, its me that needs to S-L-O-W down.

Today, despite the endless rain, and the inky substance that fell down on me on the tube at 8am, staining my top, was moments of magic strung together like pearls through an ordinary day.
I did a shoot for Harpers Bazaar in the morning, and had the privilege of watching the dancers from the Rambert Dance company, moving like parts of the same body, as one. Sinewy and utterly graceful; mesmerizing.
Free makeup is one of the perks of this career, and if you know me, you know i love a freebie, but THIS, this was exceptional. I received the BEST foundation and concealer palette. EVER. I don't think i've ever been so excited about a new edition to my kit.
Thrilling!
A few precious moments were stolen with marineboy on his transit through London to the Middle East. Blissfully bitter sweet and worth every minute...
And here now, watching Gavin and Stacey and eating Godiva dark chocolate hearts, from a heart-shaped box, i finally, after weeks of buying it, only to flick through once and discard, see my name in Grazia magazine...page 64.

Dreamy...

A Beautiful Life

2008-05-22T12:30:00.003+01:00

My friend, Rodney, is still in hospital, but doing better. His friend, Neda, set up a communal blog for his loved ones to post messages of love and support for him.
www.urwonderful.blogspot.com
It's so beautiful. We are SO beautiful.

love you, man

2008-05-04T23:48:00.002+01:00

I just found out that my friend, Rodney was in a bad accident. The details are hazy, but my concern is certain. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, Rodney, and to your family. If i didn't know the strength you have within you, how amazing your own personal power is, i would be more worried. But still, a swift and full recovery, okay?

you gotta laugh

2008-04-15T20:33:00.008+01:00

Taking the back streets to avoid the mess of folks on Oxford St, I walk straight into the latest work from Bansky, all new paint gleaming, large on the side of the building next to the post office. About 30 something pedestrians are gathered at the base of it, taking photos with their phones and cameras before it soon gets painted over and is lost forever. I join them in their documentation. Isn't that what photos mostly are anyway? Proof of something?

I am, in turns, warmed by the sun and chilled by the wind. If i sit where i'm sheltered and pop my big sunglasses on, i could almost think it's April. Oh, wait. It IS.

At the bus stop by Bond St tube, an old man, maybe East African, is blowing on a recorder for money. His wheelchair is wedged in between two shops, and his blue trousers are tucked over the stumps that were his legs. He blows in sets of 3,
' PEEP PEEP PEEEEEEEEEEP' (inhale)
PEEP PEEP PEEEEEEEEEEEEP' (inhale)
the same one squeaky note, knawing at you. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.
If it wasn't for his no legs, i'm sure he wouldn't be making any money. Mind you, if it wasn't for his no legs, he wouldn't be sitting there.
He'd be standing.

The crazy guy at the back of the bus, has the other passengers trying to conceal the laughter that's wanting to burst forth from our faces.
Over and over, his gravelly weak voice sings,
'baby baby baby, baby baby baby, all you gotta do is caaaaall meeee!'
His hands in air guitar mode, a deep rumble of mirth every now and then as he delights in his made up lyrics.
Before he alights, he leans forward to the empty seat facing him, purses his lips, and kisses an invisible passenger 3 times. Love ya, he says.

At home, ravenous now, I stuff down a cheese, tomato and houmous sandwich. It's always SO good to be home. A song plays in my head...
...Baby baby baby,....

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music"

well...?

2008-04-06T12:49:00.004+01:00

Now...you KNOW i'm not religious...but don't you see an ANGEL there???

SVG stories...

2008-04-03T21:05:00.000+01:00

Under the almond tree in my parents garden, my magic carpet spread out underneath me, still languishing over my Amy Bloom novel, i could not be more content. I have a whole lot of nothing to do, stretching waaaaay ahead of me....

I am laying on the beach, at Villa, waiting for the boat to come back and fetch me. My grand designs to come along for the diving trip, and lounge, book in hand, ipod in ears, whilst marine boy and the others dove down into the turquoise waters, had come to an abrupt standstill. The waves undulated, bobbing and dipping me, the most inconsiderate dance partner, back and forth, endless fluctuations. I clung to the sides of the boat, praying that if i stayed as still as a statue, if i didn't move one single muscle, that i could breathe through it, all the way to the shore. I couldn't. Ew. Ew. Ew.
And so here i am, on shore, where it is STILL. It starts to rain.
A massive crab sidles to the left of me. A freshly cracked out man, does crazy people kung fu with an imaginary opponent.
Where IS that boat?

My body is abuzz with a surplus twitchy energy. Music! i think, i need music! I attach the iPod to the speakers and start to twirl and jump around the large living room of our house. The high vaulted ceiling lends the most beautiful acoustics to the sound. I am soon joined by Nicole and Ollie, and i direct us in a loony dance competition. My smallest niece joins in, then my brother-in-law, marineboy, and my sister, and soon we are dancing in a circle all around the room, pied piper style, sweating hard on this warm evening in the Caribbean. Mum watches, amused. Dad grabs Lamby, Maia's stuffed toy, and holds him tight for quite a vigorous jig. I don't think Lamby will ever forget it. I know i never will.
The next morning, my calves are sore from jumping. What a brilliant night.

The sun sets on what has become our private beach. A lone gull hovers and dives, for his dinner. We watch his antics from our sunloungers, cocktail in hand, my scarf around me as the slight breeze of evening moves in. We are laughing, and then he is on his knees in the sand closer to me, and i am laughing through tears.

And i say.....YES.

just breathe...

2008-04-02T21:54:00.005+01:00

Whenever i am stuck in the rain, stuck in traffic, or just simply, stuck, i will imagine myself, back here...
...take some deep breaths...
and let it all go...

mountain climbing

2008-04-02T19:47:00.005+01:00

March has been dreamy. On the first day of the month, i was officially taken on by Mandy Coakley, the agency i have always and only wanted to be with, for the past year and a half. It culminates everything i've been working towards. But goals are funny things it seems. When your dream comes true, when something you have worked your ass off for, comes to fruition, you would expect joy, wouldn't you? Some sense of peace?
At least, that's what i expected. But the primary feelings i experienced, those first few days, were a stew of fear and worry, seasoned with confusion. I was inexplicably nauseous for days. I had reached the summit, only to look up and see an even taller mountain before me. And it was dizzying.

Today, a month later, i am feeling more worthy of my achievement, i am driven onwards and upwards, even more than before.

The game just stepped up...

all lit up

2008-02-24T19:37:00.008Z

Driving to the aiport, all creamy light, and pastel buildings, I feel a little fuller, expanded somehow. Changed. Travel changes you. When you come back from somewhere, your perspective is different. Life's possibilities are refreshed.
I check to see that I still have my 'golden ticket' in the leaves of my passport. My upgrade to business class! I am thrilled, and the excitement bubbles just underneath my cool 'i do this all the time' exterior.
On board, sipping an exquisite freshly squeezed lime and mint juice, i press one of the buttons on the elaborate keypad. It starts the rolling massage down my back. Another button and the TV screen glides out of its hidden compartment to present itself to me. This is the life... I can feel the codeine kick in, the soft sliding down my back, the gentle numbing of my nerves. It's a good feeling for a Sunday where all i have to think of is dessert with pears and vanilla ice cream and my own entertaiment.
I am reading 'Come to Me' by Amy Bloom, a book i have owned for years now, and never read. It is a signed, hardback copy, bought from a closing down, used bookstore in Smyrna, GA for $1. I never knew it was such a gem...Not even a fan of the short story genre, i can be reading it, as i was, by the pool in Doha, and with one sentence, just from nowhere, i am sucker punched, a wrench of emotion caught in my throat, tears in my eyes. Her words speak the kindof truth that releases things in you. Read it.

Quote of the week -"next time you see me my lips will be defined!"
Quote #2, when describing her Dad's feet, my 7 year old niece shouts dramatically, "the horror, the nightmare!". She CRACKS me up.

Just finished reading The Diving-Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby

Listening rather belatedly to John Legends 'Again'; vocals like velvet.

For your aural pleasure, just click...

randoms

2008-02-04T00:01:00.000Z

On the Central line, an old man, dishevelled, but not homeless-looking, stark white hair, goes from one end of the carriage to the other, stopping all the while to hold up a crucifix and do the sign of the cross in front of each couple of people. Its weird and cute and amusing. We all take part unwittingly in this man's purpose and I wonder if he is doing it under authority.
The funny thing is, in his wake, nearly everybody has a smile playing in their lips.
The energy is completely different.

The sun is beautifully warm and bright on my face, through the window of the tube, still above ground before its descent. I'm on my way underground to soar through the skies again, to the land of candles.
The Indian lady opposite me, opens her styrofoam box and takes out another piece of oily, oniony spicy meat, and pops it in her mouth, discreetly. As if the pungent smell isn't wafting all the way down the carriage anyway.

The red headed, compulsively nail biting girl turns and offers me a sweet on the plane. I take it, and in the split second from her bag to my mouth, i am awash with dread, and a glimmer of hope that it might actually be blackcurrant. It is not. It is the dreaded liquorice, the most hated of sweets. It sits in my mouth, poisoning my saliva yet refusing to dissolve. I can't stand it, so when she turns her head to look out of the window, i spit it out into a scrap of paper. Thank goodness.

Flying home, we are above white cirrus clouds and blue skies, and I wonder, if maybe, just maybe, it will be summer, when I step off the plane onto the tarmac. It's not. It's still January, but it's a beautiful sunny day. An accompaniment to my mood.

Approaching the bureau de change, where you can also buy train tickets, I ask the countergirl whether you could buy the tickets on the train itself. She didn't know. ??? But she also had the worse case of mouth herpes I've ever seen in my life, so I think I'd be miserable too.

I sit opposite a man whose trouser crotch has been badly hand sewn back together again. The air is fetid. I move.
I sit opposite a young Russian woman, wearing lace, leather, zebra print and satin, simultaneously.

I had quite a nice cupcake yesterday. Not as good as the ones i make, but it had a massive swirl of yellow icing on top and a white flower made of sugar. It looked like Spring, only in cakeform.

Still listening to Soundboy Rock by Groove Armada
Rediscovering Paul Simon

------------------

yesterday

2008-01-09T23:59:00.001Z

muchas gracias

2008-01-09T23:49:00.000Z

Another magical day in my life story.
I am in Lounge Lover, a bar in Shoreditch, closed until evening, that is filled with quirky antiques, chairs, mirrors, glass birds, chandeliers. Its an Alice through the looking glass kindof place, somewhere you wouldn't be surprised to see the Mad Hatter sipping on a quiet storm with the white rabbit.
We have just finished shooting David Schwimmer and now Tom Baxter is camera-ready.
I bought Tom Baxter's CD, Feather and Stone, maybe 4 years ago when I was still in Atlanta, knowing nothing of the artist, but having read a short review. And now here he stands before me, acoustic guitar in hand, strumming a little. I ask him if he takes requests, and he graciously performs my favourite song of his, all the way through, to an audience of 4. Myself, Ido, Ross from Friends, and Zoe, all the while snapping her camera.
The sweetness and simple beauty of this moment captures me in its hands and holds me there.

click below for the song...
Day in Verona

and so on and so forth, subsection 5

2007-12-27T22:40:00.000Z

I eat all the biscuits with the dark chocolate first, then the milk when I'm desperate in the middle of the night. But never the white chocolate. I can't stand its cloying sickly taste.
Blue cheese on ryvita garnished with red chilli jam, roast potatoes with thyme, caramelized bananas with Ben and Jerry Vanilla icecream. Mince pies with double cream with a hint of Courvoissier.
Christmas. Christmas is over for another year.
(wa-hey!)

Copenhagen
There is candlelight glowing, luminescent, outside doorways and shops, behind glassfronts of restaurants. There is warm light coming from everywhere. It's as if this place was made for Christmas. Stopping, awkwardly, on my too high bicycle, in the freezing cold, I am happy.

Lessons
I am learning, that relationships are mirrors held up in front of us, reflecting back our true selves. And whilst it's wonderful and giddying to see your best shining back at you, it's better, i think, to see the things we maybe don't want to. The things that make us question our firmly held beliefs about ourselves, those less PR-friendly behaviours and thought patterns.
The trick is, not to steep oneself in a mire of self-pity at your less than perfect self, but to love yourself even harder than before.
The moment we accept these so-called flaws in ourselves, we can stop railing against the poor sods who are holding up those mirrors.

I am a fussy eater, I am messy beyond all belief most of the time and I leave things to the very last minute. But you know what? I'm bloody marvellous anyway.

in the blink of an eye

2007-12-13T16:22:00.000Z

It's is 11.30PM on a Monday night, and I receive a text asking if I can work the following day.
Less than 12 hours later, I am driving back to London prematurely, eating my Mums porridge out of a plastic container on my lap and fielding calls. My mind is ahead of me, so much to do.
7 hours later, after landing in Nice, France, I am in a taxi travelling to Monaco, then checking into the rather magnificent Hotel Hermitage. It stands impressively between the Prada and the Ferragamo store, adorned with blue fairy lights and old school grandeur. I don't know whether to run the deepest bath ever with the Bulgari goodies, order room service
or go out and take photos. It's already 9PM.
Off I go on my wander around these French Disney streets, virtually no traffic, foot or otherwise, but somehow totally safe-feeling. I remove my long winding red scarf-it's too mild-and find the sea. Lights twinkle from the many houses built all over the hilly landscape, and there must be a hundred yachts in the harbour, all parked and sexy.
Back at the hotel, room service arrives on a moving tray that opens up into a table. White linen and a rose, it is served with a flourish.

The next day, the sun sparkles all day, a flawless sky as we shoot beside the ocean. It's beyond beautiful.

A late lunch, back in Nice along the promenade, I absorb the changing sun, the palm trees, the quickening of the breeze, the easiness of a place like this, and say my silent thankyou.
I remember to stay present in that moment, filling up my cup of sunshine for the coming weeks of grey.
Wow. This is my career, this is what I get paid to do, how awesome is that?
A simple text message, a phonecall, and all the cards shuffle around again, your hand changes just like that. And if you're willing to experience a little discomfort, to meet opportunities with a firm yes, and to truly appreciate the fullness of life, then the payoff is bigger than you'd ever expect...

Miracles

2007-12-02T19:45:00.000Z

So there is a part in The Secret, the audio version, where Rhonda Byrnes talks about a man who decides to visualize a feather in his mind, appearing before him, a feather that when he saw it in real life, he would recognize it as the Universe sending it directly to him.
Some days or weeks later, whilst in New York City, he is prompted to look down at the ground, and there lies, that very same feather of his imagination.
I thought I would try this out, so, a week or so ago, I imagined that I would find a £5 note on the ground. Every now and then it would cross my mind, and I would have a quick glance around, on the way back to the car, but nothing, just the usualstreet debris.

Yesterday, whilst in the supermarket, when it was the furthest from my mind, as I was paying for Lilies for my mother, the cashier handed my nectar card back to me, and it fell over the edge and onto the floor. Bending down to retrieve it, I see it! A crumpled up £5 note on the ground next to it.
It takes just a couple of moments to realize it hasn't dropped from my own purse, and seconds later, to stand, bewildered and overwhelmed, realizing what had happened. It was like a religious experience, total utter clarification of all that i've been practising and learning about these past few years. The moment contained synchronicity and truth and the most immense power. Awesome.

Later that evening, as marineboy and I were trying to find change to put in the parking meter, a very helpful man, whilst offering parking advice, explained his plight to us. He had lost his place to live. He didn't directly ask, but how could you not?
I look in my purse, but I have no change at all. I look up at marineboy and words exchange in the form of thoughts. I reach in and pull out that still crumpled ₤5 note, and give it to the man.

All my dreams, all I have ever wanted, is manifest. I have an announcement to make. But i am saving it, savouring it, if you will, until New Year.

For those of you that have been with me for the journey thus far...this is phase 2, the best one yet. Get ready.

awake and dreaming

2007-11-09T02:00:00.000Z

This morning, whilst adding my daily fruit to the blender, a bird hopped into my line of vision, through the large view of the kitchen window. His underbelly was the most beautiful shade of yellow, not a bright hue, but more intense than a pastel. I watch him, hop, hop away. He is hopping for me.

The air outside smells like biscuits. I must have eaten about 4 deeply chocolately biscuits somewhere in between my sleeping and waking self, last night, rolling over and reaching for the packet, then rolling back into more of the vivid dreams I have been having all week.
I have battled zombies with a too-blunt knife, had to tell a friend that her newborn baby was in fact, a kitten, and last night, had Christmas dinner, with my family, some other folks and Kanye West..

Its a time of preparation for me, I feel myself at the door of this incredible new phase, a door that now opens.
There is magic in the breaths that I am taking.

laughter, tears, and sometimes both

2007-10-15T15:33:00.000+01:00

Today is my last full day of sunshine here in Orlando, and it is BLAZIN.
These past 2 weeks have flown by, and I have laughed until my face froze in the madness of hysteria, countless times.
I said goodbye to Atlanta, -See you in a longer while now, and remember me.
London beckons, -Come home and keep shooting, this is your place, it's all here for you.

I return, to and for my family, to and for my brilliant career, and now, to and for love.

Come to find out...Billy Bob was living up thar on Red Bug Lake Road all along.

Dropping names

2007-09-15T12:54:00.000+01:00

Living our lives distractedly has its obstacles. Whether cutting my split ends at a stoplight and missing the green (don't ask, I have now removed the scissors from the car!) or walking and texting-sooner or later, you're going to step in dog poo. And that's not a metaphor. Ew.
Be more aware. OR please clean up after your dogs.

Driving home, I look to my right, to the crowd of people and the police in their fluorescent green vests. At the centre of it all, is the Reverend Jesse Jackson.
The light turns green and I drive away.

Leaving work, there is a line of silent paparazzi, waiting in the darkness, for Sienna Miller and her latest love to finally emerge.

The next week I am in the elevator of a London hotel chatting with David Schwimmer, about to do his girlfriend, Zoes makeup, as soon as Thandie Newton's stylist finishes dressing her in vintage Chanel.

Tara Reid asks me a question but is more interested in her reflection in the mirror behind me. I want to tell her, her foundation is too muddy.

I am on a park bench on a beautiful September Saturday. I have just booked another job. My iPod is with me but i don't need it. I am lucky enough to be sitting near a man playing a sitar, and it's so lovely. Very Sufjan Stevens.
This is where the gardenless gather. The mothers who need to air their children.
My plans of laundry and vacuuming float away on the breeze. As Jill Scott would say, i'm living my life like its golden.

Reasons to be joyful;

My flight to Florida is booked!
Tomorrow, I'm going to see Prince!

Tomorrow...tomorrow.....

Listening to Lullaby-The Cure.

Watch out now

2007-08-21T00:47:00.000+01:00

Welcome to Junk Wonderland...enjoy your stay

2007-08-17T15:45:00.000+01:00

The location house we are in today fills me with electricity as soon as I walk throught the door. I am charged with an urge to drop my bags and run from room to room touching things and looking, like a child in a toy store.

The owner has been here for 50 years, and has seemingly kept everything from then, frozen in a spooky timewarp covered in dust. I am transfixed by the collections of dusty bottles, of all colours and sizes, by the literally hundreds of pictures and plates and religious hangings covering every wall, eyes looking at you from portraits and dolls, figurines.
Kicking myself for not bringing my camera, I try and absorb it all, then remember the camera on my phone.

I want to be a child here, to celebrate my 10th birthday with a party, where animals and children would join me in the Alice in Wonderland garden and we would roam thru the house, up and down the dusky stairways, in and out of rooms full of wonder, dressed in grown-up gowns with strings and strings of beads around our necks.

Today was a good day, an important one for my career. A crossing over into the next level.
It is all happening now.

Reveries...

2007-08-17T14:58:00.000+01:00

I am dreaming of India, the colours and smells that will greet me, I am dreaming of the noise and of the silence I will find within it.

Don't you love it when music is so good, you have to sit in your car after reaching your destination, just to finish the track...?
Finding forever by Common is a sublime listen. Get it even if you don't like hiphop. Even if, like me, you don't really listen to the words.
Surprise yourself with music. Its such a beautiful gift.
Another new fave is Kate Walsh. Her CD Tim's House is sweet melancholia at its best. Reminds me of my life before.

Don't you love it when you go back to a store to buy the item you've been dreaming about, and they only have one left, and it's in your size,
AND on clearance...?

Don't you love it?

Man, what happened to summer. A sprinkling of hot days back in April and a few blazers a couple of weekends ago, and that was IT. The national hope was for a late summer, enjoying humid August evenings in the park, the season stretching its arms into Autumn, but the energy feels like September to me. It's been years since I've gone 'Back to school' but I still get that September feeling, that sense that something is starting over.
There is a crispness to the air and I'm dreaming of new boots.

wishing you a speedy recovery xxx

2007-08-04T00:45:00.000+01:00

the nicest thing

2007-08-03T19:04:00.000+01:00

After 10 or so weeks at the top of the British charts with 'Umbrella', Rihanna has fallen. And with that, the sun is back after...well, 10 weeks or so. 'Sweird, eh?

I have lost my voice. My vocal cords give me only whispered enunciations dotted with a sporadic breaking into sound, like an adolescent boy.
SO annoying.

Listening to...
Nicest Thing-Kate Nash
There For You-Damian Marley

Best Bits of the Week

Best moment...shooting down by the river, with a team that I put together, trying to beat the tide, making magic happen.

Best conversation...after he finished extolling the superiority of one brand of monkey nuts over all others, I ask my favorite hairstylist in the world, Martyn;

'So if the monkeys came back to claim you...would you go?'
His dead serious reply
'Of course. In a heartbeat.'

I would miss him, but i get it.

Best Song for wishing you were playing the lead teenage female role in an 80's coming of age movie, and it was your brown skin he was singing about...Boys of Summer by Don Henley

Best movie i've seen in aaaages...Notes on a Scandal

Best newfound obscure comedy...Flight of the Conchords. Episode 1-I have never heard a more refreshingly realistic lovesong, ever. Just brilliant.

windows and wimps

2007-07-19T21:56:00.000+01:00

This bar thing has ruined me for early nights. Even on the majority evenings when I'm not working, I seem unable or unwilling to sleep before 1AM.
Okay, so my addiction doesn't help.
After an indifferent beginning, Grey's Anatomy has pulled me in, and pins me there, keeping me hanging from episode to episode. I feed my need by downloading the next and the next, so I can keep turning these visual pages.

Its humid tonight. I have my large window open, and I can see the silhouette of the big beautiful trees outside, darker than the sky.

Outside the window at work yesterday, in a parked car, 2 lovers kissed for what seemed like forever. We laughed, my boss got bored and walked away, but I was transfixed. They kissed in the way you kiss when you first learn how to. On and on,...v-e-r-y...s-l-o-w-l-y,... practice makes perfect. She was the one to come up for air first, and even from where I sat, she looked giddy, as she smoothed her hair with one hand,more in a gesture of composure than action.
I am distracted by someone and when I turn back to them a moment later, the car is gone.

I miss my old combat classes. They don't have them at my new gym. They DO however, have 'boxercise', which in case you were wondering, is NOT the same thing, as i discovered this evening.
Walking into a class that was 80% dudes was not a good sign. Being forced to skip until i fell sick (okay, so i skipped maybe 10 or 15 times) was also not a good sign. And if i had wanted to jump from a proper push-up (not a girly one) into a star-jump repeatedly and at a stupid speed, i would've joined the army. Being handed the stinkiest cheesiest rotten feet smelling gloves, to put on my hands, was the straw that broke the boxers back. Washing my hands afterwards ike an obssessive compulsive (by afterwards i mean, 15 mins before the class actually ended) i say Buh-bye to Boxercise!
It's been real.

Found out this week, that no less than FIVE recent test shoots that i've done, are going to be published. Thanks Universe.

Birthday smooches

2007-06-25T22:37:00.000+01:00

Made it through a long 36 hrs of part time gig until gone 2am sleep for 6hrs, shoot all day, then straight to work again.
Here I am past midnight in a candlelit bath, lavender bomb fizzing away, tho I won't need any sedative tonight.
Today was weird. I definitely didn't feel appreciated in what I was doing, makeup wise, or timewise.
Which, considering I had given up my Sunday, and it was unpaid, I was a little put off by.
Still, having 'Ross' from friends, act as the photographers assistant for an hour, put a lovely surreal spin on it. REALLY. Ross. From FRIENDS.
The singer that I worked on, showed up an hour late, wearing last nights makeup, with glitter all over her, hair matted and a portion of her scalp sprayed green.
Which all would've meant nothing, if she'd only bothered to say.
Thankyou.

My birthday is over. Despite my jollying it up, it was still a bit sad, and my back pain was awful, the only thing making me feel old in an otherwise 12 year old state of mind.

I went for acupuncture today. Sitting, being questioned, i look past towards the clock thinking...i don't even LIKE needles. Why am i here again?...But it was fine. Not painful, not life changing. Just fine.

I feel as if wondrousness is coming again.

Reach!

2007-06-15T15:35:00.000+01:00

"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?"

-- Frank Scully

Today, do something that intimidates you.
Make that phonecall, knock on a previously closed door, reach out to that person, do something alone, try something new, forgive somebody you never thought you'd forgive.
Stretch yourself, and feel that exhilaration.

Yesterday, i did a shoot, and i finally stepped out of my comfort zone, and created something that came from my heart; it flowed and blossomed, took shape before me. And when i saw the images, i knew that, in that instant, i had upped my game.
What a great feeling.

hungry anyone...?

2007-06-01T15:23:00.000+01:00

Here I sit at the top of this grassy hill, a place to think, and to feel the sun on my skin. Like Maria said, this park is an unused mecca in this urban North west London sprawl. There are none of the usual park vagrants, the shiftless and the alcoholic who make the park their summertime hangout. Only me and the breeze. Its perfect.

Happiness is...

...A goats cheese and fig chutney pizza from Waitrose...

...Taking my own sweet time around the food section of M&S, whilst snacking on a lemon and white chocolate muffin, discovering that they have added an oozy lemon injection, to the centre of it.
Heaven...

...Leaving the house to run errands wearing only tinted moisturiser becoz I finally got some sun, and am tahitian again.

...Anticipating the delivery of an external hard drive and new printer
and scanner...

...Having an offer withdrawn but being offered something even better an
instant later...

...the brilliant shade of apple green that adorns the turrets of the
islamic temple

...nothing to do on a sunny day but feel good.

June is my birthday month. Usually, I dread it as another flag signalling all I have not yet accomplished. This year is different. THIS year, is the year I discovered The Secret. So. June is a month of 30 days of Joy.
Every day, I will recognize the joy and beauty in my life, I will seek it out and give thanks for it.
Because, after all...
how lucky am I to be alive?!!!

school dinners

2007-05-28T03:06:00.000+01:00

It doesn't seem to want to stop raining.
My free, gym membership umbrella, is so big, i have to twist it a certain way just to get it into my car.
Its been a hectic couple of weeks, as anticipated, and lessons came at me one after the other.
So in no particular order;

* It took a friend from another country to reawaken my excitement about this city, after-dark. It dawned on me that i live in one of the most exciting, culturally-diverse, vibrant cities in the world. There is beauty everywhere i look.
* Sleep really isn't the most important thing. So i didn't get my required 9 hours. For a whole WEEK. I may be beat, but i have some tales to tell...The more i go out, the more i want to go out.
* The way i feel is the way i feel, and rational thought doesn't always come into it at the time, but it sits, waiting for me to gather myself, to get a grip on my emotions and then becomes. Clarity.
* My vivid imagination is still my blessing and my cross; I still paint the picture before the first brushstroke touches the canvas, and i still pay the price for that.

For my Sherry

2007-05-16T15:37:00.000+01:00

Wow, i just checked the date of my last post, time just flew.
I'm very much settled into my new London life, any need to flee back to the bosom of my parents has all but gone. Still, i miss them so much at times, and one of my favourite things to do now, is to go back and visit. Who'd have thunk it, eh?
Its been raining on and off for days now. All my cute new summer dresses, bought in the few days of blazing sunshine we had a month back, now hang in anticipation, in my closet. I said i would wear jeans all winter, and i bloody did, but now i'm ready for floaty, for hippy dippy, for slip on shoes and dresses, big sunglasses and gypsy hair and bangles.
I have the prettiest bathroom wall now. I was at the library, about to borrow this amazing fashion book, when, after scanning it, the librarian said i couldnt take it out because it had been withdrawn. What i could do, was buy it for 50p! (a dollar, y'all). So now i have a wall full of beauty.
I love my life...

(just whisper it)

2007-04-19T12:12:00.000+01:00

I love this project ...postsecret... it's like reading someone else's diary. It's like reading your own, if you were brave enough to write it.
The question is...what's your deepest secret?
Go on...i won't tell.

Ka-BLAM!!*#$!!!

2007-04-12T10:41:00.000+01:00

Monday Shining

2007-04-09T16:37:00.000+01:00

The glorious weather continues...
I'm so looking forward to spring & summer in the city. I already know it will be full of the kindof adventures you can only experience in a metropolis like this one.

This week was kinda quiet in the run-up to Easter. So, after forgoing the gym for 2 weeks, to find my London feet and get comfortable, i returned with a vengeance-3 yoga classes, 1 combat and 2 weights classes. Rarrrrrr

Someone who i used to be friends with, a woman, got back in contact with me, after 3 months and a fairly acerbic end to our previous friendship. In retrospect, i realized i didn't like the person i became when i was around her, and she remains to this day, the only person who has ever caused me to feel bad about my makeup artistry. Still, we did have a laugh together, so when she called, i called her back. The second i arranged to meet her, my whole body started to feel dizzy and weak with nausea. I felt off-balance for the next few hours. So i postponed. 2 days later and 2 hours before the rescheduled meet-up, my body started to have the same reaction.
When my body sends me a message like that. I have to honour it.
are YOU listening?

CHOOSE YOUR ENVIRONMENT WITH CARE

Create favorable conditions through your association with others.
Avoid people who belittle your ambition.
Small people always do that,
but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
THE DAILY GURU

kaPOW#$*!!!

2007-04-07T21:10:00.000+01:00

serene

2007-04-07T18:26:00.000+01:00

I found this peaceful man early one Sunday morning, as i was getting lost in the side streets of Battersea, London and had to take a photo. He's beautiful, isn't he?

I am almost finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. I must have one more chapter to go, but it is the chapter in which the inevitable happens. He dies.
So i'm putting it off, just a little longer.
The only thing that is guaranteed in life, is death, but i still feel immortal. i still can't concept that kindof loss.
I remember being a child, in a room at my neighbours house, playing with my best friend, Kerry. She was 8 years old, and suddenly she said,
"i'm going to die, you know"
I couldn't look up at her, nor could i make what she was saying untrue.
Soon after that, she lost her battle with that illness, and she did die.
I am thinking of her today, and i am thinking of how important it is to be kind, to be loving, even when we don't feel like it. To be generous with our time, and to really listen to others. To connect.

here we go...are you ready?

2007-04-01T18:59:00.000+01:00

I am still overwhelmed by this week...so much so, that i'm not quite ready to write about it. Everything i've been doing, career-wise, for the last year and then some, all culminated in this one moment. Perhaps without realizing it, all my efforts have been directed towards this result. I just had no idea it would happen so soon for me.
Give me a minute...

i'm so sleepy...

2007-03-08T18:30:00.000Z

Day Six...the end of
Driving through Camden, the streets are packed with the pierced, the punks and the curious. A giant bubble floats over and pops on the side of my car. I am going the wrong way in traffic, but all i can do now, is look for signs and keep on going. My map reading skills have left me, as i stare blankly at the maze of streets in my A-Z. It just looks like spaghetti and i can't find the beginning or the end.

Parking my car now, on the busy side street in Willesden, a lanky white teenager, dressed in a sleeveless t-shirt on a brisk March evening, exits through his front door.
"See you later, Mum" as he looks back.
At the end of the road, he stalls, conspicuously, then proceeds to buy drugs from a slow moving silver Renault and continue on his way.

-----
For those of you who don't know-i make a mean cupcake.
When i'm 60 and i'm done with all this makeup malarkey, i want to open up a cupcake shop, on the corner of a beautiful tree lined street...

building, growing

2007-03-04T19:23:00.000Z

latest images...

Cheryl C is having the Best week ever

2007-03-01T23:20:00.000Z

I know its been a while since i last wrote, but i want to tell you about the amazing things that are being drawn into my life. First of all, can i just say, that the Law of Attraction is no joke.
I am almost on day 5 of what will be 7 days straight of 8 different shoots-all of them paid. In 16 days, i move into the most perfect space, back in London, affordable, spacious, just perfect for me at this moment in my life, i can't begin to tell you how excited i am to watch my life burst into technicolor, especially as i think back to how the gray felt. I am overwhelmed by the abundance coming through, its like a channel was cleared.

Today on the tube, a couple, effervescent with their new found love, fold into each other, his business-suited arms around her, a cradle, she, within. They kiss, loud smacking kisses every few seconds or so; in the spaces between, she knaws at her cuticles whilst he gazes at her. At first, it is sweet, her hair still damp from washing, his heart exposed and vulnerable. But then, the smacking changes to smooching, and then all-out necking and he is clutching her hand which is pressed to her bosom, thankful, i guess, that his manpurse is over his lap. I watch, open-mouthed, they are so oblivious to the full seats around them, to the folks reading their books with higher than usual eyebrows and averted eyes, lost in this 9.30am heat they are feeling for one another. She leaves him at Oxford Circus, and only then, does the carriage come into focus for him, and he sits, bewildered and lost looking, young, in his not quite matching socks, and waits for his heart to broken.

how beautiful the rain

2007-02-12T21:58:00.000Z

Wow, what a week. I began it with the covershoot and ended it at the Mayfair hotel in London, doing the hair and makeup for the producer of Pan's Labyrinth, for the BAFTAs (the British Oscars). Later, whilst watching the show on TV, i whooped as they won Best Foreign Language movie, the first of many awards. Amazing things are manifesting in my life, every single day. I have to pause sometimes and take it all in, breathe myself calm.
I finally got to return to yoga today, and it was blissful. I had wicked monkey mind, but my body was appreciative. It rained all day, and the clouds, shades of a brooding bluish gray, left no sky visible. It was lovely.

baby its cold outside

2007-02-09T12:31:00.000Z

Woke up this morning to a winter wonderland, how can i not be happy with all this lightness around? Spent time building a snowman but after my niece went in because her socks became wet, it was just me and my brother-in-law out there, bringing it to life. Had a lot of fun.
On Monday, i did my very first cover shoot-hurray! Can't wait to do more really, especially the all important celebrity one, that's my next goal. Got booked for 2 more shoots, lets see, what else...i just feel really good :)

sunrise

2007-01-28T22:49:00.000Z

This week had magic in it, nothing specific but just a flow and a happiness, a contentment in all that I did.

Things that made me happy;
Singing acapella in the car with my niece and nephew
Seeing the fiery sunrise driving on the way to Kent
Homemade frozen summer fruit smoothies
The new season of the L word
Finding a stray internet connection at my sisters
The Sanctuary salt scrub
Images from my latest shoot

Lessons learned;
That buying the multi pack of bounty bars to be economical, instead of
paying 50% more at random gas stations throughout the week, results in
more chocolate eating in a shorter period of time.
In fact, they will call your name whilst you sleep.

That the second you stop needing something from someone, you are set free.

starting strong

2007-01-15T23:55:00.000Z

This past week, I did my first beauty shoot for submission, entitled 'Filthy Rich'. Some of the images are below. I challenged myself with mediums I hadn't worked with before and felt really good about how it turned out. In these first 15 days of 2007, ive done the above shoot, a test shoot, and a job for a new client today. Things to remember...
Lotsof exercise this week, 3x Yoga, 1x combat and a new class-Boxercise taught by a scarily serious but not unfoxy french guy. It was like bootcamp, and whilst I scuffed up my knuckles punching the bag (not enough gloves to go around despite the £72/$140 a month membership) for some of the exercises I just sat back on my mat looking incredulous.
Coulda been a contender....

Note to self
When you lend someone your only designer dress, the one that you had altered to wear to your best friends wedding, the one with the zipper that catches? When you lend that person your dress and they return it to you, dirty, saying, "hope you don't mind, but when I had the zipper fixed I also got the tailor to take out the alterations" so that it no longer fits you? They are TELLING YOU about themselves. LISTEN.

briefly

2007-01-05T21:10:00.000Z

I just watched a movie called The Secret, and it echoed 3 of the lessons I listed in my previous post, almost exactly.
I had a sublime experience today. Some of you will read about it.

200*7

2007-01-02T14:55:00.000Z

woo hoo
yippee
wahay!

2007 y'all, let's make this one really count.
No New years resolutions for me, just a whole slew of goals that will be systematically checked off, trust me on that.
Actually, I did say that I would try not to use my car horn unless absolutely necessary, and to cut way back on celeb gossip, but....
they were driving like fools!
I'll try harder....

SO. some of the lessons I learned in 2006...
*You can choose the mood you're in, and change it in a second
*Yoga will heal you, one way or another
*the universe has its own rhythm and its so much easier to flow with it rather than fight against it
*if you're looking for a deep sense of bliss, then follow your dreams. It is the only way.
*its okay not to want to be around people who drain you, steal your energy or pooh pooh your dreams
*sometimes you just need to yell the word "FUCK!!!" at the top of your voice
*things don't always work out the way you want them to, or how you think they will, but they always always work out for the best.

Make it count.

closing

2006-12-30T14:03:00.000Z

So another year comes to a close, and I am astonished at the difference in how I felt this time last year, and how I feel now.
I'm gearing up for what will be my biggest year so far in my career, of that I'm certain.
THEN, I worked at a place I loathed, my heart was in pieces, I missed Atlanta and my friends, I didn't exercise, ate okay, but not great and I was so so lonely and empty.
NOW! My goodness....I LOVE my career, my heart has never been more whole, I have new friends, but have stayed in contact with the people who I love, I can't imagine my life without Yoga, I have begun to practice more meditation and I am healthier than I have ever been. Yesterday I made myself a banana, apple, kiwi, blackberry, pear and mango smoothie. I know it may sound like just fruit to y'all, but every time I peel that fruit and juice it, each time I finish a Yoga class, every time I make it to therapy, I KNOW that I'm honoring myself. Its like the shampoo commercial-because I'm worth it!
I feel more like myself than I have ever felt before. And I celebrate that. I celebrate it.

Late night phonecalls rarely bring good news.
My mother just came downstairs at almost midnight, sat on the adjacent sofa and told me that her older sister had died of a massive heart attack. Hands in her lap, she looked about 10 years old but with grey hair.
There's nothing like death to put things into perspective, to make you appreciate life.

colder than a witches tit

2006-12-21T17:04:00.000Z

Some days I feel like the invisible girl. After the mildest winter since the 1700s, the weather has finally broken, bringing a biting chill to the air, freezing fog and my gloves out of the closet. Today I visited the London College of Fashion's reference library. I had been waiting for my visitors appointment for over a month and it didn't disappoint. For anyone creative, its heaven, with shelf after shelf on anything that might ever inspire you visually. They have every back issue of British Vogue for the past 40 odd years, all the issues of Pop since it began in 2001, vintage books on fashion and makeup.....it was dreamy. I'm going back.
Last night i finished The History of Love, the last pages turned rapidly, the words lessening as it drew to a close, and then the final paragraphs bringing me to tears. Heartbreaking.

Listening to
I don't trust myself by my one true love, John Mayer

latest images

2006-12-13T20:20:00.001Z

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the movies by myself. Chose to see Stranger than Fiction, sat where I thought I wanted to sit, then sat somewhere else. I SO enjoyed myself, the film was just perfect to me. Spoke to me about how loneliness can change in just a moment, about how taking a few scary steps forward towards someone else will find you being met halfway. How life explodes into glorious technicolor when love arrives. How this false sense of immortality that most of us have, causes us to waste so much time, and that life can be over, just like that, like the flick of a switch. It was...beautiful.

Today I feel like my smallest niece felt yesterday. Except I don't get the luxury of sitting on grandmas lap all morning getting cuddles. Slept erratically, and scheduled a too early appt this morning way the other side of London. Y'all know how I am
when I haven't slept well.
Sooner rather than later I have to acknowledge its Christmas and do some shopping. I just don't believe in this holiday, it seems pointless.

The headlines on the newspapers I refuse to read are unavoidable. Someone is killing women in Ipswich, 5 in a matter of weeks. The tabloids exploit these horrors to shift papers. I hope they catch him soon.

And yet.

2006-12-03T18:04:00.000Z

Contents of my bag

some used false eyelashes
a John Varvatos cologne sample
unopened contact lenses
a New York subway map
a well thumbed London A-Z
2 different handcreams
3 anti nausea pills
a penguin chocolate bar wrapper
my Sony cybershot
loads of bits of paper

Getting out of my car to what has become my regular friday afternoon activity of collecting the children from school, I can smell swimming pool. Chlorine and feet and wet hair and disinfectant.

My therapist has a candle burning, I can smell the lavender from down the stairs. It strikes me that I should give her a candle to say thankyou, in my final session, which is just weeks away.I feel bad that I know nothing about her life, only her first name, yet exonerated in perhaps not being allowed to know.

On arriving back in Oxford last night, after the first things first action of juice making-apple and pear and carrot-i rifle thru my bags for the book I am reading. Having left it in London, I take another from the pile that awaits me, and begin.
A while later, sleep pulls me away from what I see now is one of those literary jewels that you come across, maybe once every year or so, that you can't stop reading, but never want to end.
THIS is the kind of book, I would like to write.

I am reading a book about love. I have avoided love for the past 16 months, this self-censorship dictating the films I would watch, or rather would not, the books I would not read. I have opted out for so long now. But I feel like this book chose me. Reading it, I remember love. I recall its all encompassing need, its importance, its urgency. I remember its beginnings. And like buds coming up through a previously frozen ground, I wonder, if my winter is finally over.

Listening with euphoria to For the Time Being by Phonique feat. Erlend Oye

Sketching...my nephews face

Reading.....
THE HISTORY OF LOVE by Nicole Krauss

quietude

2006-11-29T14:21:00.000Z

Hey y'all, happy belated Turkey Day! I'll have done 6 test shoots in the month of November after tomorrow. It's been a month of ebbs and flows, as i am coming to recognize now, i'm feeling very much in the waiting room of something amazing, checking that i've prepared myself, done everything i should have and more. I've started chanting meditations in the morning, loving that resonance through my core, gradually managing to suspend feeling silly, and just really really enjoying it.

oh my goodness

2006-11-15T19:19:00.000Z

I just found this on youtube...i mustve been 21 years old when i shot this music video.

East 17

new stuff

2006-11-14T15:35:00.000Z

2 pics from the mags that are out now...just click

Pride

Beauty

Seeing more clearly

2006-11-14T13:11:00.000Z

Today I look like somebody else. Something is going on with my left eye and so I am wearing my silver Gucci specs on my way to the eye clinic. They're making me nauseous. Now I understand the 'where are my glasses?' comedy routine my dad goes through every single day. This is for the birds.

On the upside, my biggest kick of the day so far, is the discovery of my Mums supa dupa juicer. (my mum always has the best gadgets) 3 bags of organic carrots and 2 impromptu apples later, and I am in a juicing frenzy, reaching for the mango, and already picturing myself back at the supermarket buying wheatgrass powder, tangerines, more carrots, potatoes.
Potatoes?

This past Saturday, I took the train to Peterborough for a shoot, in an old burnt out disused air force base. The windows in every cavernous room were smashed in and with one tiny heater and a crew of 11, I've had easier shoots. But it's still all so wonderful to me.

At class today, my amazing yoga teacher, once again blew me away with her messages. Last week was slow, workwise, and although I have done 3 really good test shoots in the last 10 days, and had 2 editorials come out, I do worry some.
She addressed the class, but I feel, spoke to me when she said
"When you are called to persevere, can you persevere for one more breath?"
And you know what? I can and I will. One more breath, then one more, then another, and before long, you are once more, effortlessly breathing.

In all her wisdom, she also said "you have been called to yoga, because you have suffered". I cannot begin to tell you how true that is. When my heart could hold no more sadness and threatened to drown me with its sorrow, yoga turned me back around, and I say this without dramatics, it saved me. If I'd heard those words a year ago, I would've been her case in point
and dissolved into my mat. But now, it makes me feel emotional, but strong.

In the eye clinic waiting room, the crowd has thinned out. 2 eastern European men, formerly quiet, start a conversation. The sound that comes from the older one, is James Earl Jones deep, I move the magazine I brought for entertainment, in front of my face, as I feel the need to laugh suddenly.
They strongly smell of high tar cigarettes and 'man', that musky stale sweat, old man's trousers and testosterone thing. Its nasty.
They laugh out loud and the younger one looks alongside at me, as if to reassure my non comprehension of their language. Little do they know, that without my glasses, I can't really see them, either.

33 going on 13

2006-10-29T22:48:00.000Z

This weekend, back in Oxford, mum gave me a box of stuff to sort through. In it, I found old diaries and sketchbooks, my sticker collection from when I was 8, (the scratch and sniff maple pancake stickers still smell after 25 years) loveletters from when I was 17 that I can't bring myself to read, but cannot throw away, mixtapes from the 80s, and VHS tapes of pop videos I'd forgotten I'd even modelled in.

Diary entry, tues 6th March, 1987...
Mums gone weird. She says that music is a sin and that its her fault
that we weren't brought up how she is.

The rest of the journal entries consist of precise breakdowns of what time I did things-caught the bus at 1.15pm, called at 12.40pm, how much things cost-bought a great poster of a cat for £2.30-what I watched on TV-Dallas, Top of the Pops, Eastenders-and of course, my favorite subject, boys, and the analysis of their every movement.
On the first page, I've listed among some of my 13 year old 'likes', as
Boys, male models, lime and lager, airports, cream cheese, the sun,
Ice skating and GAMBLING!
On my list of adolescent dislikes, I included root beer, liver, spotted
material (?), impolite boys, and most bus drivers.
Hahaha.

A life less ordinary

2006-10-29T22:41:00.000Z

I left New York earlier than planned, I rushed back to a life waiting for me, that I never knew I had.
I am back in London, and the fullness I am experiencing is quite profound.
In 5 days; assisted for 4 days, finally got a haircut, John Mayer concert (John, you were as good as I knew you'd be), drinks on portobello road, birthday dinner, shopping (a beautiful cream wool trench coat), spontaneous frappaccinos.

This week was hugely fulfilling for me. I helped out on a beauty workshop taught by Louise Constad, who, can I just say, is one of the most impressive women I've ever met. Her 5 foot 1 frame, wearing fierce high heeled shoes, took up the whole room with her energy. A force to be reckoned with, she cursed like a sailor in the most immaculate public school accent, thrilling us with her celebrity makeup tales. I could honestly have sat at her feet and listened to her for days.
She gave me a bottle of Moet to thank me. I'm saving it for my first cover.

My nails have been painted the color of dried blood. Now that they are chipping, I like them even more.
Tomorrow, I am assisting on my first commercial! And the next day, I have my first beauty editorial.
I love this life.

Lizards and Lovebugs-part II

2006-10-29T22:33:00.001Z

After 2 days in Orlando, I am no longer batting away the copulating insects that have chosen the pool as their location for love, and my body as a resting point. Still, ew.

Everything in New York is a spectacle of sorts. It is Sunday. Waiting at the bustop for the 17, a woman in full church regalia approaches me with a Jesus leaflet.
Boarding the bus, a young obese 'street evangelist' is sweating and preaching in the aisle, his loud voice cutting through the turned up music coming through my headphones. Fire and brimstone, hell and the 'sinnerman'. A few senior church ladies nod their heads and i turn up my volume.

Lies and Leaving-part I

2006-10-29T22:28:00.000Z

Sometimes, what you think of as home, is just somewhere you used to live.
Sometimes, just when you think you have something all out of your system, you feel it again, the memories in every fiber of your being, just waiting for the right trigger.
Sometimes, leaving a situation is not only the fastest way out, but also the best way.
Sometimes, all that matters is how you feel in that very moment, and how you can feel better.
Sometimes, you have to go away to really, come back home.
The best thing I was told. You seem so much calmer, at ease with
yourself, comfortable in your own skin.
The worst? He still loves you.

the shoot

2006-09-21T23:47:00.000+01:00

4 more on my website...

elevation

2006-09-13T15:39:00.000+01:00

So it was finally upon me, the wedding of the year. The swishy lovely dress I'd bought to wear months ago, suddenly seemed super green. I needn't have worried though, the hue was much admired.
I think attending a wedding by yourself, as a singleton, has to rank as one of the crappiest things about being single. Along with, of course, vacations, grocery shopping, sunny days, the park and overly long Sundays.
Last night, I felt like the chick who caused attached women to pull their better halves closer to them as I walked by. I made them feel either insecure that I would sway their partners gazes, or secure in the fact that they had someone to go home with.
On the dancefloor, being spun around ineptly, by the tall french man, I found I was better off dancing by myself, for myself. And certainly less nauseous.
My friends looked like a golden couple of the 1940s. No longer the stressed and harried Londoners, but movie stars in the south of France, schmoozing the crowd. It was a transformation and lovely to watch.
I kindof floated around all night, until I got sick of it, and left, very drunk, before I turned into a pumpkin at midnight. Wait, that was the carriage...wasn't it? Still, its how I felt. Those who know me, know I could never be a maid anyway....

eh..Voila

2006-09-01T20:14:00.000+01:00

just like music...

2006-09-01T20:06:00.000+01:00

The late August days are crisp and clear, the dry heat of summer, left us back in July. Just when it goes a little quiet, an unreplied email sent 2 months ago, leads to a callback, and I am booked for magazine shoot on Friday.
I am building, building.

Driving back from the shoot, I am exhilarated, I love the work I did today. I have a sudden realization, that in September, I will have makeup credits in 3 magazines on the shelves. I put my hand to my mouth in genuine surprise, so that the glee doesn't slip out. I would bob up and down even if this song wasn't so great.

Somedays, playing random on my ipod leaves me disatisfied, each song filling my need less and less. Then other times, like today, every track is joyous, I hear familiar tunes with fresh ears, delight in new ones and lyrics start to sound like gospel.
Today, was an all-Prince all-morning kindof thing.
Can I just tell you, how I love Prince? Especially the old raunchy stuff.
For no particular reason, my top 5 Prince songs, today, are;

5. Erotic City
4. If I Was Your Girlfriend
3. I Wanna Be Your Lover
2. Soft and Wet
1. Uptown

Jon Mayer-what are you THINKING??

the week in brief...

2006-08-28T19:24:00.000+01:00

Tuesday
Did a shoot at the beach for a clothing designer. Whilst walking to the next location, we spotted a wonderfully quirky beachhouse, perfect for the next shot. After getting permission from the owner, found out she was Mandy Coakley, who owns Mandy Coakley Represents a makeup and styling agency. She told me to come in and see her.
Just that morning I had been discussing my reservations about going to see agencies, and then there I am, 8 hours and over a hundred miles later, with the universe signalling to me, strong and sure.

Friday afternoon
Went to see Nacho Libre, which, let's face it, won't win any accolades, but I loved it anyway. Jack Black, thass a funny guy, yo. Now I'm waiting for Talladega Nights, with Will Farrell to get here.

Saturday night
The rain is pelting down, and the remains of our picnic soaked as we stand amidst a huge scattering of raincoats and brollies
watching Bjorn Again, the most well-known Abba tribute band, peform on a stage, out on the river.
Later, after being told we need to spend a grand on drinks to sit at a table, we move to the side and dance anyway until 3am in the wildly self-conscious west end club. We are not in mini dresses, or having waiters bring us bottles of
champagne carried high up on a tray, with the fanfare of 2 sparklers, as denotes the big spenders, but we are here, 11 of us, to celebrate Sarahs hen night, but more importantly, her friendship.

Bank Holiday Monday
Reading the fabulously gossipy book, Fashion Babylon, I take a break, the sun in my eyes. The random flowers on the lawn, weeds really, all bend their yellow faces in the direction of the sunshine.
It's a good lesson. Look towards the sun.
I used to have a spider that lived behind the right wing mirror of my car that would simultaneously impress and disgust me. I would never really see it, but every day, the web that had been blown away by the wind whilst driving, would be replaced by a brand new one. That spider never gave up. Until I saw it one day and brushed it off with a bit of old
paper and a shudder. I just don't like em.

In the supermarket today, I can feel the blister from that night, on the side of my left heel. Back in the car, I remove my white pumas and feel sand between my toes.
I get a flashback of one of the girls going round to each of us, whilst we were dancing, and applying a lipgloss that's supposed to be plumping, very carefully to our lips.
The things that you think of doing when you're shitfaced...

listening to Remain-Jose Gonzalez
anything that makes me want to dance...

ONE YEAR ON...

2006-08-16T23:29:00.000+01:00

<---I DID THIS!!!!

So it is one whole year since I've been back in England. Its gone quickly, although I wouldve said differently during those first six months.
I look forward to this, my 'new year' with excitement and a brave heart, knowing that even what scares me, especially what scares me, can bring me unparalleled fulfillment.
My heart and mind are stronger than ever, my body is energised and healthy, my spirit is evolving.

“The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most
difficult period in one’s life.”

Here's some of what I did...
Moved countries
Found a flat and lived in London for 6 months
Went to Barbados twice for work
Went to Lupe and Julian's wedding in Chile and danced with wild abandon
Did my first fashion editorial, and have since worked on 7 other shoots
with the same mag
Learned how to update my website
Bought my beautiful portfolio
Learnt how to drive a stick in 2 weeks
Made some new friends, let go of a couple of old ones
Stayed in contact with the people who really mattered
Assisted on London fashion week
Gave up retail-for good!
Started therapy
Started living my dream
Became a gym bunny and took up yoga
Never gave up

Happy new year Cheryl

------------------

friendship

2006-07-30T21:59:00.000+01:00

I can smell last nights rain in the grass, as I lay back in the tent my Mum has put up in the garden for the summer. It is cooler today, but inside, the houses still hold the heat possessively.

Things that have made me happy this week, so far,
Tennis in the garden with my nephew
2 pairs of indian shoes for £7!!!
Taking pictures on the roof with Nikki
Watching Alan partridge with Joe
Almost getting booked for a magazine cover
Not having to work a thankless 10 hour day in a sweltering store, with
only a 30 min lunch. (sorry Nikki)
Thunderstorms

Puzzling things
The red headed man with the pudding basin haircut wears his pale blue dress shirt tucked into his eighties running shorts to work out. It is darker where he has sweat through his undershirt. Long dark dress socks, pulled up tight, accentuate the milkiness of his calves. He looks like a history teacher.

more observances...
"hello?,...oh, hi!"
"yeah, yeah....I'm at the gym....I'm on the treadmill"

Further down the row, a man is also on his cellphone, but he is on the bike.
This evening I turn my phone off for 2 whole hours.

My friend wrote this to me, in response to my complaint of the heat
"It is stifling here, its take the breath out of you hot, makes you want to jump in a dirty puddle on the street for some relief."
...And i thought...that's so beautiful...just like she is

heatwave

2006-07-18T23:15:00.000+01:00

Monday-gymday
I grab 2 yogamats from the cupboard, unroll them in my preferred spot. On the top mat, something twinkles. Peering closer, I see what it is...a tiny gold jewelled sticker in the shape of a heart. It makes me
inexplicably happy, and the thought that comes to me, clear and loud, is, Love is coming.
I pick it up and put it in my ipod case for safekeeping. Later, I superglue it to the side of my BlackBerry. To remind me.
Love.
Is coming.

It is too hot to sleep. The fan whirs and the window is open, but it is gone 1am and i am wide awake.

Listening to Magic by Olivia Newton-John
John Mayer. Seriously. Call me

new pic

2006-07-15T19:45:00.000+01:00

everybody wearing flipflops

2006-07-12T23:32:00.000+01:00

The caterpillar bus with the concertina middle, huffs and chugs through steaming London streets. With no airconditioning, we have to rely on the scant breeze from the too few windows.
Getting up from your seat on the bus is always a lurching comedy routine, where you reach from hanging strap to hanging strap like an ape, while the bus halts and starts, often embarassingly being nearly flung onto a fellow passengers lap. The freckled lady opposite me is huge. I worry for my toes.

Sitting on a commemorative bench in grosvenor square I people watch.
Identical twins, grown women, sit side by side, reading, one a duplication of the other, from their spikey red hairstyles, to their red hiking sandals and everything in between. Even the single gold chain and glasses frames match. The left arm tattoos. Bizarro
It has been another good day. I met with a photographer I originally met with, back in Jan, to show him what i'd been up to. Once again, he gave me food for thought, energized me with his constructive critiscism. When I think of the folks that can't even be bothered to return an email, meetings like this, make it all worth it. For that one person out of 10 or even 20, that will respond, it is worth it.

Ended the day drinking wine by the Serpentine river in Hyde Park with my friend Nikki, talking while til the sun retired.

Rediscovering Seal-Where there's gold (beautiful)
Wondering, if John Mayer is single..

the writer me

2006-07-08T23:03:00.000+01:00

these are better days

2006-07-08T22:13:00.000+01:00

Sometimes, my subconscious seemingly spites me by bringing my past to me in the vivid technicolour of my dreams. On this other side of consciousness I am there, one year ago, and the pain is palpable, the confusion, real. On waking, the shadows of sadness follow me around for most of the day, a feeling I can't seem to fully distract myself from.

In the supermarket, I have in my basket, toffee popcorn, when I really wanted Belgian chocolates, a sugary jam filled donut, and a packet of salt & vinegar crisps. I add some grapes to balance it out a bit. A little boy is wandering and crying. I take his hand and reluctantly leave him at customer service. It makes me want to cry.

I haven't been to the gym in 5 days. The flipside of that, is that this past week has been the busiest, most lucrative, and most rewarding week freelancing, so far. 4 shoots, 3 of them paid. And more coming up on Monday and Tues. Could I really be living my dream? I am overwhlemed that I am.

4 new pics on my website for anyone interested.
Http://www.cherylcorea.com

reasons to be cheerful, part one

2006-07-02T00:07:00.000+01:00

The yellow thing is very hot today. I am laying on the floor inside, t-shaped, to cool off.

5 amazing things that happened this week.

1. My parking ticket got waived after I appealed it. Sent in evidence and everything. I SO could've been a lawyer. Or on L.A. Law. :)
2. I got a tax refund after only a week, of just over a grand. Almost $2000 y'all.
3. Went to see a performance called FuerzaBruta at the Roundhouse theater in Camden. It was incredible, like watching a dream, I was absolutely transfixed.
4. Made a profound connection with someone I'd never met before who made me think of going to a yoga retreat in India for New Year.
5. My beautiful, chocolate brown, embossed leather portfolio finally arrived. Sigh....

Listening to
My ipod speakers in the garden
The birds chirping
The wind through the trees
Feeling
Very
Zen

so deliciously wrong

2006-06-27T23:05:00.000+01:00

I get such a kick out of this http://www.churchsigngenerator.com. I think its for actual Christians, but its just too tempting. And seeing as i got the link from the London cokeheads blog, i'm obviously not the only one!

ex-pan-ding

2006-06-26T19:31:00.000+01:00

"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."

The last 5 days have included;

2 paid photo shoots,
3 birthdays (one was mine)
2 trips to London
1 yoga class
2 combat classes,
1 dance class,
1 gym session
1 therapy session
1 seating shift
2 naps
Loads of emailing.

All hail to my super dooper new black iPod. The music is back....

Listening to EVERYTHING, all the time
Watching big brother
Eating cake

a question of ethics?

2006-06-22T20:24:00.000+01:00

I travelled to London today to do a makeup trial for a regular gig. It was for a glamour photographer, and at first, the fact that he had a link to an escort agency on his website, only lifted one of my eyebrows. As I made my way there though, I became convinced that the 'model' was more than likely going to be a hooker. Sorry, escort.
I had to punch in a code for the security gate to open onto the enclosed street.
Manoeuvering my makeup case over cobbled stones, I make my way to number 5, the door is already open to the house. A short Japanese man with a strong German accent greets me. Upstairs, the house is narrow but reeks of affluence, Versace furnishings, antique chairs, a fridge with a complicated digital pad where you could select what temperature your water would be, the biggest MAC monitor I've ever seen.
I am introduced to a skinny brunette smoking a marlboro light in the corner of the kitchen. I go to shake her hand, and she offers me some limp fingers.
Applying what makeup she will allow me to-it's evident she would much rather do it herself -"i vant eyeliner and I vant eyelashes"- I ask her if she has been an escort since she came to the country 4 years ago, from
Lithuania.
"sometimes a stripper, sometimes an escort" she tells me in her bored eastern European accent. She is rude and petulant, interspersed with a look that must earn her some extras in her business, chin down, looking up with bambi eyes through her long fringe, pouting. A look she's probably been doing so long, she doesn't even realize she's doing it anymore. Its helpless little girl, butter wouldn't melt but it has this grimy edge to it. When she actually smiled, I saw her mouth was filled with small jagged grey teeth. I caught the whiff of last nights whisky through her pores, of perfume on an unwashed body, of cigarettes.

A couple of hours later, as he paid me cash, none of it mattered anymore. I made in 2 hours what I make in 7 1/2 hrs stifling my dreams in that hateful retail hall.

Had the most sublime slice of lemon drizzle cake. Mmmnnn. CAKE.

Not listening to my dear, departed, first iPod

the color purple

2006-06-22T20:17:00.000+01:00

I had this vision whilst I was doing a guided meditation a couple of weeks back. Somewhere between consciousness and semi-consciousness, I received what could only have been a message.

I am at the beginning of a path, standing in the sunshine, and there are purple flowers on either side of me. It is dark ahead, but not pitch black. I am scared to proceed, but as I begin to walk, it is as if the sunshine comes with me, and with each step, my path lights up to guide me on my journey.

Do not be afraid.

becoming Tahitian...

2006-06-10T14:25:00.000+01:00

Click for garden confessional-part 2

blowing my own trumpet

2006-06-04T23:13:00.000+01:00

all i'm sayin is muscle tone...hahaha

my favourite boy

2006-06-04T23:07:00.000+01:00

3 little birds

2006-05-25T22:16:00.000+01:00

Today was glorious. I am honoring who i am, my needs and dreams, my desires and whims, in ways i have never done before.
I had my first session with my personal trainer, i am equipping myself with a new knowledge and insight into my body. Apparently i have weak lower abdominals. Who knew? I'm excited about this new level of fitness. Loving the muscle tone that is reflected back at me. I see now, why this is so addictive.
Also, had my first counselling session. Just working through some things that have long needed to be worked through.
Got booked for 10 more editorial pages!
I feel.......beautiful......

self-portraits

2006-05-25T21:42:00.000+01:00

don't be a lion

2006-05-19T23:11:00.000+01:00

I met a friend from waaaay back for dinner and reminiscence last night. It's always cool seeing someone's opinion of you, change before you. Like watching the selves we knew from 8 years ago, which were up until that point, still alive in each others memory, having a foothold in the present because that's what we remembered last, dissolving away, leaving our older more grounded selves just sitting and eating Thai food, and talking.
That girl I used to be? I am acknowledging that I can leave her now. That she doesn't need to come with me. But more important than that, i can stop running away from her.
Later, at an impromptu stop at a party for Trace magazine, ghosts glide by me, some saying my name, and as I struggle to place them from my past, I smile and make talk very small.

Words for the masses, on the off-chance that the masses might read this. (1st in a series)
1. Don't come telling me you want a 'smokey-eye" because you're going to some office 'do' at some naff club that night, then when i do it, complain its too dark, because you usually only wear mascara and chapstick.
2. Don't sit in my makeup chair and start coughing a phlegmy cough, and boldly answer 'yes', to my question of, 'are you sick?' Stay your sick-ass at home. Away from me.

watching....Phoenix Nights, season 1....."Jesus Wept!"
flat-sitting North West London
loving every minute of it

photos later

Strictly for my ninjas

2006-05-10T21:31:00.000+01:00

I wish i'd taken this photo...

I had no idea my body was so powerful. I go from trying to achieve 'enlightened bliss' in the morning, to kicking some invisible ass by the evening, In body combat class, I am a fighting demon. In the same fantasy world that has me starring in the remake of Flashdance, I keep thinking the teacher is going to come up to me afterwards and beg me to fight professionally for their team because he's so blinded by my ability. (hihi)
I picked up my prints today. These are images I've looked at over and over again, but seeing them 10 by 12 inches like that, is wonderful. It feels like it's all coming together.
Riding backwards in the coach to Oxford, the aroma of spring flowers begins to infuse through the vents. The sprawling fields on either side are now either jade green or the most vibrant yellow. Stepping back out into the world, the blossom petal confetti is everywhere, before me and in the air. Stuck in traffic now, the amber evening sun still burns in the distance. I take a deep breath...and inhale my world.

listening to the Arctic Monkeys
wishing i'd never rented 24 hour Party People

and so it is

2006-05-06T21:58:00.000+01:00

Summer came suddenly, completely bypassing spring.
It stayed for 2 days then left me with rain.
I lay out in the garden like it was my job. I am finally brown again.

Here's what I miss today;
Climate continuity
Mexican food

a bugs life

2006-05-03T22:25:00.000+01:00

I am sitting still in the garden, waiting for the clouds to pass so i can pimp the sun for some last minute early evening rays. In my peripheral vision, something enters the garden, and I turn and meet the yellow gaze of a large glossy-furred black cat. He sizes me up, and figures, what the heck, continuing forward on his short cut across the lawn, only slightly faster.
At glorious yoga this morning, my teacher, who may be some kindof angel for me, looked over, smiled, and said 'You've come a long way...'
Later, as she walked among us, she pushed her knee gently into my spine to lengthen it. 'Don't be defeated', she told me.
Her words resonate.

A matter of time

2006-04-27T21:04:00.000+01:00

The first butterfly of Spring stops its flittering and rests on a bush, allowing me to get really close and take a few snaps.
Satisfied, I silently thank it, and he flies away.

The big knat is looking at me from the other side of the window. I wonder if they have homes to go to, or if nothing is ever familiar. And I wonder how that must feel, and if it makes them anxious. Despite the yoga I feel a lot of anxiety these days.
There is a big man of the wilderness sitting in the row adjacent to me. Piercing blue eyes, but other than that, all overgrown beard and massive bushy hair. I think of my good friend Lance and smile for the first time today.

Listening to Love song for no one by John Mayer
Can't stop listening to Naïve by the Kooks

surfacing

2006-04-05T21:09:00.000+01:00

Spring is coming, the air is quite chill but the days are much brighter. I am remembering. Sitting here, waiting for my car to be finished, too early in the morning for me, I think to myself that I probably had a more active social life at 11 years old than I do now. I recall going to a Grandmaster flash and the furious five concert at that age, with my sister and her friends. I was the smallest person there, watching in amazement as Melle Mel and his band stomped across the stage in their finery of fur pellets and leathers, boots and feathers. The swell of the crowd pulled me in, and I was pulled out again. This was a new world to me. He threw his sweat covered towel into the audience and sticking my pre-adolescent hand in the air, I caught it. At least, I choose to remember it that way. I think it was more likely a lucky upwind.
I preserved that towel, with its dried famous-person perspiration, in a
clear plastic bag. Later, my mother washed and laundered it, folded it
in my drawer, and it become just...a towel. And a memory.

In the room at the gym, there are mirrors along 2 sides of the wall. I have flashdance fantasies of doing solo dance routines, spinning around and around, perfecting my routine that would almost certainly win me the contest, and free me from my job on the building site. Haha. Unfortunately, only basic rhythm made it into my gene pool.

Early start tomorrow..i was called to assist Georgina Graham on the Toni and Guy campaign. In my mind i am running in circles with my arms out, like an airplane, giddy with possibilities. Light-headed with hope.

Listening to Peaches by the Stranglers
and Sugar by Armand van helden, over and over

slipping under

2006-04-01T21:03:00.000+01:00

I don't remember ever feeling this sad before. Its like all past
sadnesses have accumulated and now attach themselves to my wrists and ankles
like weights. The yoga teacher gently pushes my shoulders into the ground and tells me I'm carrying burdens and worries around with me. My 7 year old nephew leans his little body into me, completely unaware that he is throwing me a lifeline. I am drowning, it seems. I'm not going to write for a while, not until I feel better. It could be days, or maybe weeks. But I will not journal this apparent descent, only the upturn of
the tide, when I finally start to swim again.

right on time

2006-03-25T21:09:00.000Z

I just received these quotes in an email from the Daily Guru, after another teary evening...

"Our sadness is an energy we discharge in order to heal" -John Bradshaw

"To weep is to make less the depth of grief." -William Shakespeare

Ups.....and downs

2006-03-23T20:46:00.000Z

My spirits have been a bit low lately...like there's a little cloud
following me around. I keep swooshing it away with my hands.
Yoga always made me feel a bit emotional, feeling helpless in my
limited range of movement, frustrated that I could not stretch the way I
would want to. But it was during the fourth class, of 5 that I have taken
in the past 13 days, that I felt a breakthrough. Something just felt
right, there was a fluidity of motion that made absolute sense. From that
point on, it has been enjoyment. It soothes me to think that these are
ancient sequences of movement, that I have years to perfect the sun
salutation and it won't suddenly be phased out for the next big thing in
exercise.

In complete contrast to the previous workshop I went to, I leave the
one I just did with georgina graham, full up with my future. I am smiling
one of those smiles that comes from way down inside your belly and you
can feel at the top of your head. She was so inspiring, I mean, this is
a woman, a young woman who has vogue spread after vogue spread in her
portfolio. She tells of a test shoot she did in her bathroom with
isabella blow and Alexander Mcqueen. And I'm not talking Alexander Mcqueen
clothes, I'm talking Alexander Mcqueen physically in her bathroom. And of
doing Sophia Lauren for Armani. Yet she is so understated and laid
back, so encouraging and not in the least bit preachy. I thought, that's
it. That's what I want to be. At the top of my game, but still truly
myself.
She looked me in the eye at the end and she told me how she thought I
did I fantastic job and that I have a great future ahead of me. And I
believe her.

My eyes have gone that buttery brown they go when I'm tired, or high or
if I've cried loads. My pupils are pinpricks. So I had the breakdown
that perhaps I needed. Encased in my car I sobbed and literally screamed
at lifes injustices.shouted until I felt sick. I self-indulged my
misery for some moments of bittersweet relief. It was nighttime, so I had no
witnesses, did not need any, just needed to be loud and visceral with
my trapped pain once and for all.
I am exhausted, the force with which I was thrashing, has left me.
Its been a bitch of a day.

huge talent

2006-03-23T15:46:00.000Z

I know i haven't blogged in a while....had a power adaptor emergency, but i'm back. Belated blog coming soon, but in the meantime, i updated my website, ALL BY MYSELF.

www.cherylcorea.com

Beauty Test

2006-03-14T20:21:00.000Z

beyond the pale

2006-03-08T22:09:00.000Z

As a single woman in London, i am part of a very special minority that elicits sympathetic expressions and general condolences, on answering the very frequent question from attached women of, 'So....are YOU seeing anyone at the moment?'
My response validates their choices, no doubt they hurry home to their partner, thankful that they don't have to die a lonely old cat lady.

I head out to the tube station, looking down, my feet are clad in wicked, long black suede boots, the pointiest toe, the spikiest heel. They are truly fierce. And i shall be made to suffer for their beauty with every slowed down, contorted step i take. On the train, i find myself eyeing other women's flat cushioned shoes lustily.

The bus reeks of charity shop. But the stinky warm is better than the rainy cold for a minute. If Spring is in sight, i certainly can't see it. I desensitize myself, hood up, my peripheral vision is lost, iPod earphones muting outside noise. Almost home, i notice the smell has gone, along with the man in the corner. Wow. Potent.

Listening to...My Declaration---Tom Baxter
Thinking.......how it sums me up exactly at this point in time
Realizing.......I can't drink cheap alcoholic concoctions just because they're free

pop life

2006-03-01T23:31:00.000Z

Its crispy cold walking down Sloane Street to the flat where the shoot's taking place. I wheel my makeup kit behind me, past Gucci, Chanel and Yves Saint Laurent. At the door, next to Prada i realize i have no idea which number buzzer it is.
Claudia Schiffer comes out of the shop and gets into a waiting car. We smile at each other as she is driven away.

Almost 2 hours later, my 1 is now 5, as we all wait in the lobby for a model who doesn't look like she's gonna show. We each paint vivid scenarios of what could have happened, to pass the time. Finally, in she walks, behind huge black sunglasses, her maid following behind.

Upstairs finally, in her boyfriend's gorgeous apartment, the remnants of what looks like the previous night's banquet litter the kitchen. A pig's trotter attached to the remainder of its carcass is still skewered on its spit.

2 hours more and i find myself rushing through a smokey eye because of the model's time constraints. Settling for passable perfection, i tactfully allow her to go to the bathroom mirror alone, following a minute after, so as to give her time to wipe away the cocaine residue in her left nostril.

Back in the real world, the magazine i worked for in January called and booked me for another fashion shoot at the end of March. Whooopeee!!!
Oh, and the cookies are being phased out, at the least the quadruple chocolate ones, AND i've joined a really nice gym.

listening to Seven Nation Army by Hard-fi
Slowly, Surely by Jill Scott

destination

2006-02-28T21:01:00.000Z

WOW. The clouds clear and i step out of the fantasy, into a new world. The transition was difficult, but once accepted, swift. The road is clear now...for me.
I picture myself, bangles and bracelets, a breeze in my hair...a free-flowing life.

Sky is clearing

2006-02-26T18:25:00.000Z

"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater"

---Nicholas Evans

...coz its getting harder and harder to breathe

2006-02-23T15:09:00.000Z

I am verging on panic...i recognize this feeling. It makes me light-headed, my throat tight. All i can do is try and calm myself. I take deep breaths, try to complete things on my list, but its suddenly like doing them blindfolded, backwards, takes so much more effort. I am not falling to pieces, i just need some time.
I imagine some people reading this, might view this as the weakness in me. But without these moments of utter meltdown, i would never recognize my amazing strength.
This is my truth.

watching Sex in the City, season 2
eating quadruple chocolate cookies
crying
trying to breathe

blinded by the lights dizzy new heights

2006-02-20T23:30:00.000Z

other people's lives

2006-02-20T22:42:00.000Z

okay, i know its been a while...so here are a few together...

I am on the 328 bus travelling home, after lunch in Fulham. It takes about 3 times longer to get anywhere by bus, than by tube. But i find, that as i am getting older, it seems i'm developping these neuroses, where one day's choice then becomes habit, which turns into compulsion. So the 2 hour journey back is necessary.
i'm going to have to get back on the horse, aren't i...

I can smell the beer from the bottle being held by the man at the front of the bus, from way back here. His dark glasses hiding his no doubt bleary eyes. A woman halfway down the bus calls out questions to him. She is dressed quite well, but her hands are mottled and the dark polish is chipped. They seem to think that no-one else notices how drunk they are at 4 o'clock on a Friday afternoon.

On further inspection, her clothes are a little too trendy, the fabrics too synthetic. 'Paul' and 'Fiona' continue their shouty conversation.
The lady opposite me has makeup tattooed onto her face. The ink of her brows has faded into a blue black.

It is cosy on the upper level of Borders in Brent Cross. This is a place for lingering. A man naps, head flung back on the brown leather sofa, whilst his tiny poncho wearing daughter tears around the entire floor, shrieking, followed by 2 other small folk. He wakes. 'Tabitha! Stop shouting'. She doesn't.

A woman with short ruddy-colored dreads, argues her way around the bookshelves with someone named Gavin. Her phone conversation sounds monumental, an explosion of long built-up tensions, and my breath becomes more shallow with my proximity to her energy. I move away.

Valentine's Day...when the one you want to call, never does, and the others don't either. I'm having one of those bittersweet days. Where everything would be in reach, if only my arms were long enough. At the counter, today, as i walk over to the foundations, i see a magazine, left on the side. I pick it up, and discover that it's a copy of the first issue of Love Pouting, with my interview inside. It was like it was left there, especially for me. A valentine from the angels.
It was better than roses or chocolates, or long-distance phonecalls. It sings of my potential, of my realized dreams.
I have been losing myself lately, in the petty theatrics of a job i can no longer stand, and coming across the mag, was like a hand reaching for mine, pulling me out of it.

my niece and i...

2006-02-18T22:44:00.000Z

where are you...

2006-02-05T18:34:00.000Z

I want to go home. But where is home? If home is where the heart is, then where is my heart? Wandering this earth trying to find its place.
What if my heart has been evicted from its home?
And there are new tenants?
i check my calendar, count the days. I have had less than 2 days off out of 19. Really?
My head hurts.
I need to eat.

Shoot-day 2

2006-01-31T20:23:00.000Z

These are photos i took of the images on the computer, so they're a bit blurry. The spread's going to be 10 pages, i can't wait! I was really satisfied with the makeup i did, and the model was divine, even though she was a total diva. (I say that affectionately as i think she would admit to that, herself)

So i ask myself now,what's next...? I'm ready.

chef cheryldee

2006-01-30T21:38:00.000Z

First day of the shoot for the magazine...challenging, not from an artistic perspective, but the mix of strong personalities in the small hair and makeup room was at times, overwhelming. I won't elaborate. But just know that my very worst day, doing this, is still better than my very best day doing any other job. I am simply in love with what i do.
Tried to bake a sweet potato and it went...just, wrong. Burst and bubbled and went black on the outside, but remained hard on the inside. Yuck. So much for getting orange things into my diet.